I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for eight years. Throughout that period, there have been numerous occasions in which one of us would go to an academic semester abroad, do a graduate program in another country, or take extended vacations away from the other. And even though we've done it a lot, the prospect of maintaining our relationship intact and healthy while we're thousands of miles away is always daunting. But one thing we have learned and now know for sure: Long distance relationships are hard, but not impossible.
One of the first things my boyfriend and I realized when embarking on a long-distance relationship is the amount of trust that it requires. By not being with your partner every day, you may not always know where they are, who they are with, and what they are doing. And while they may tell you, if you don't fully trust their word, it's easy to become jealous, suspicious, and paranoid. You cannot control how honest someone is with you, but if there is love and a bond, part of the respect you have for your special one comes with trusting them and allowing them to trust you by giving them your honest word.
Communication is also fundamental. My boyfriend and I found that keeping the other in the loop as much as possible is a great way to feel like we are both experiencing the same things. Communication in long-distance relationships may look like text messages, video calls, voice notes, letters in the mail, etc. But the actual things that are said are what matters. I love hearing about what he dreamt last night, what he had for breakfast, the things he bought when he went shopping, his plans for the weekend. He loves hearing about the crazy weather changes in Edmonton, what I have to do for homework, the laundry soap I just bought, and my day at the gym. Very mundane things, yes. But it makes us feel like we are still part of each other's everyday life, and that is so important – at least to us – when maintaining the close bond that we've had for so many years.
Sometimes life gets in the way, and we are both too tired to have a normal conversation with each other. But we also find it very meaningful to share silence, just enjoying each other's company. Maybe I want to take a nap, and he wants to get some work done. And so we just set up a Zoom meeting, and we do our own thing, but we get to do it together. With this comes another very important factor in keeping a long-distance relationship: patience. There may be days that you want to have a nice Zoom date, but your special one is too tired. Finding a middle ground is key. But sometimes, that is not possible, so one may have to sacrifice their desired plan for the other. And with patience, that is certainly possible.
Another great strategy is setting specific dates to have a telephone or video call or even to travel to meet the other person. When far from each other, it's easy to take these interactions for granted. In my situation, it is typically only possible to see each other in person once a year due to our very different schedules and commitments. But we have the rule to have a nice Zoom date at least once a week. The day and time may change, but we never let a week pass without seeing each other (virtually) at least once.
Depending on where you both are in your life, another helpful strategy is to have a long-term plan or expectation of where you would like to be when this long-distance process ends. Do you see yourself maintaining an exclusive, committed and serious relationship with each other? Maybe you are not ready to think that far ahead, so a long-distance relationship may not be the best idea for you. My boyfriend and I have had that conversation every time we needed to move away from the other because we both recognized our goals and desires can always change. We consistently conclude that we want the same things. We desire the same end goal in our futures. With that comes a motivator for both of us to keep pushing forward no matter how many obstacles the distance may impose. This comes hand in hand with self-honesty. While every romantic relationship is beautiful and unique, it is also important not to romanticize it (no pun intended). By this, I mean that a relationship must be viewed and treated for what it is: A mutual agreement in which all parties involved must put in equal amounts of effort, time, and commitment. And when any of those factors falters, the bond may be damaged, sometimes permanently. We may want a relationship to work, but the possibility of the distance becoming too unbearable is always there. So another responsibility that people in long-distance relationships must take is always to be honest with themselves when things aren't working out for them anymore. If you notice yourself becoming unattached, uninterested in maintaining communication, or even if you meet someone else in this new place where you are, it would be more hurtful to hide it and wait until the very last minute to express this, that it would be to have that difficult conversation. Be honest with yourself for your peace of mind and the other person's.
All in all, long-distance relationships require responsibility, maturity, honesty, communication, and respect. They may never be easy but are certainly not impossible. And while the distance is daunting, it is a constant reminder of how much you love the other person, how meaningful a supportive hug and a loving kiss are, and how much you long for the moment in which you can finally be together forever.
Take care and stay safe, Brilliant Minds!
-Andrea.
