We’re Canadians: born and raised to say yes to nearly anything. It's coded in our DNA, just right beside the “Sorry” and maple syrup instead of blood (note: not actual science) genes. Whether it’s a “Yes, please!” or a “Happy to help!” or an added “Any time!” we’re taught to say “Yes." Maybe it’s a fear of letting people down, wanting to please everyone, or feeling like it’s the right thing to do, but most have trained themselves to say it. I’m not here to say that saying yes is a bad thing, though! In fact, it’s a positive word and makes us seem more open and approachable, but for your sake, you have to learn how to say no.
Most of us don’t even realize that we’re actually yes men until our own time is swept from under our feet. Take a moment to consider how much of your time is actually your time. Thinking back on it now, maybe you realize that you agreed to read your friend’s paper when you had a big test the next day or that you said you’d serve on this time-intensive committee when you wanted to spend time with your grandmother while she was in town for the week or that you said you’d take part in this uninteresting activity at a highly inconvenient date and time even though the person asking you doesn’t even think it’s that important — either way, it doesn’t seem like your time anymore, does it? Before we realized it, our time became someone else’s, and we were drowning in work that wasn’t even ours to begin with. And to think, this all could have been avoided if we just knew how to say “no.”
You might be thinking, “Obviously, I know how to say no. It’s a two-letter word, N-O, no, it’s not that hard,” but is it really? Do you really know how to say no? Think back to the last time you said no. Did you hesitate? Perhaps you had to fight for it? Maybe they reacted badly? Or do you feel guilty while saying it? If any of these apply to you, perhaps you can learn a thing or two, and if none of these apply, feel free to close the tab and enjoy your time. You know what your time is worth. For everyone else, though, it might be helpful to learn the when’s and how’s of saying “no'' before you go around saying “yes.”
The When
It seems easy enough, and at its bare bones, it is! Start by looking at your calendar, the things that you cannot move because your time is your time, and you shouldn’t have to take away the essential things in your life just to say “yes.” If you happen to have the time for it, where you’re not digging away at the crucial things in your life, you can ask yourself the pros and cons. Factor in everything you think will be vital, like time investment, availability, location, the repercussions of saying yes or no, your own goals, costs, and, most importantly, your enjoyment. Or, in the words of Marie Kondo, think to yourself: “Does this spark joy?” Once you’ve figured that out and evaluated the potential costs and benefits, you can finally make a decision that’s right for you without the guilt of it weighing you down. So if passing that salt happens to inconvenience you that much where you decide that the costs outweigh the benefits and will leave you ruined for life, then, by all means, say no, and don’t feel guilty about it.
The How
Now, be nice about it. Of course, you shouldn’t become a supervillain and make people cower in fear just so you can say no, but how we respond changes how we feel and how others do. I’m not here to tell you, “Just do it! It’s easy. What are you so scared of? Just say no, go on.” Saying no is a lot harder than we’ve come to think of, and if you’re anything like me, you might overthink yourself into the ground before you even confront anyone, but I’m here to help you to not be like me. There are different techniques, different types of no’s, and depending on the situation, we might need to pick and choose different strategies, but here are some tips that you can help you next time you have to decline:
1. Be crystal clear — don’t lead anyone on and avoid things like, “Maybe…” and “I’ll have to think about it…” and “I’m not sure,” when you only mean “no.” It’ll only confuse the requester in the long run and make you seem wishy-washy, and we don’t want that, so be honest; they’ll understand. So go on, tell your best friend exactly that you don’t want to go to see that movie, and would rather stay inside in -30 Celsius weather rather than saying “Umm, I don’t know…” until the day of the film. If they’re a good friend, they’ll appreciate not being led on, and you’ll feel a lot better being honest.
2. Be thankful — “no” sounds like such a strong word that sometimes it helps to soften the blow. In most cases, we’re grateful to be asked by people because we’re important to the requester in some shape or form, so feel free to shower the person with appreciation that they came to you and maybe they’ll be more inclined to ask you again.
3. Be firm — sometimes there’ll be cases where people just won’t take no for an answer, but your time is precious, so treat it like it is even if others won’t. Don’t make others let you feel bad for prioritizing yourself.
4. Explain — you’re not obligated to explain why you’re saying no and shouldn’t feel pressured to give an explanation either. Sometimes though, an explanation can be helpful for the requester to better sympathize and understand the situation. Explanations can be a useful tool to attach to any “no” that you use in the future if you are comfortable with it.
5. Use alternative ways out — no, this isn’t me telling you that you should ghost the people in your life who are making requests just so you don’t have to say “no,” but sometimes we can offer an alternative solution to a request instead of saying “no” outright, even if it’s not what the requester initially planned. Whether it’s suggesting that they ask help from another person or that you both find a different time, you can always say: “How about this instead?”
6. Give: “Maybe” — wait, but that’s kinda contradictory, right? Yesno. What this really means is that sometimes we might want to do something, but we just can’t right now, or the benefits need to outweigh the costs for us to say “yes” later down the line, or we might really need to think about something before we make our decision. Sometimes, maybe it can help you negotiate a commitment down the road where it works best for you. Like how “yes,” sometimes it can help to think before saying “no.”
Saying “no” can be tricky, but we have to learn to set boundaries and be honest with ourselves otherwise we’ll end up digging into ourselves for more time until there’s nothing else to dig. Your time is just as important as anyone else’s, but no one can acknowledge that but you.
Sources:
https://ecommons.cornell.edu/bitstream/handle/1813/74812/Bohns1_Misunderstanding_our_influence.pdf;jsessionid=34E1889FF25CD08EA193888E012A83B5?sequence=1
https://www.science.org/content/article/learn-when-and-how-say-no-your-professional-life
https://www.theguardian.com/global/2018/mar/18/the-power-of-saying-no-change-your-life-psychology-william-leith
