Many people have advised me to go outside for various reasons, but the truth is, I hate it out there. The internet has shown me that to feel happy and collected you have to be outside of your house to explore new things, and enjoy nature. Then why is it that everytime I go outside, I’m riddled with anxiety, and feel anything but serene emotions. I wish I could enjoy being outside my house, because I do love nature, I just hate being within nature.
I love the sight of mountains, the green trees, flowers, fluffy clouds, the rivers and streams. I love it all, but why can’t I be within it all? That is the question I always ask myself, despite knowing the answer.
We live in a toxic society, where when you don’t follow the norm or the “perceived” norm, you feel like there is something wrong with you. Humans are naturally exploratory and adventurous creatures, aren’t we? How did Earth get populated from every corner, without our human tendency to explore. To travel to the unknown, and face the risk. I learnt that risk isn’t a hazard, but a reward, to our holistic development as a person. It allows us to grow, and learn, and add a new lens to our perspective. It’s easy to convince yourself how easy something can be, but how hard can something be to try. Anyhow, there are great rewards in going outside. It is said to promote physical, mental, and spiritual health. But not everybody grows the same.
For me, I find contentment the most when I’m inside working or doing something I love. Whenever I go outside, a switch is turned on in my brain, and I’m on edge. I don’t trust what is there, and what could happen. I am fully aware of my surroundings, anticipating the worst. Some would think this behaviour is pessimistic, but I like to think of myself as realist.
On top of this I have an extreme phobia from bugs, of any sort, no matter if they’re harmless. I’m afraid of something as small as ants, to even mention the impeccable spiders. I don’t like to admit this, but when I start thinking about bugs, I feel like there are 10 crawling on me, and trying to dig into my skin. So the whole time I’m sitting I’m twitching and slapping imaginary bugs.
To add on top of this, I have allergies, and I feel my throat constrict when I take a whiff of the lovely flowery air. Then I’m in a fit of sneezing for the following minutes. I still wear a mask when I’m outside even though Covid-19 is behind us.
With all this, you see that I would rather stay inside for weeks on end, than go outside. Going outside doesn’t bring me the same tranquility as others, and I don’t think it has to be. We are encouraged to do things that make us happy, and every action can affect our happiness.
We shouldn’t feel down because what we practice is different from others, or it seems that we are the only ones experiencing something and can’t relate to anyone. I’ve been told that whatever we’re feeling, we are not alone, and that there is someone out there who can relate. I feel like I’m different because I don’t like the outside world, and have all these emotions go through me when I do go there. I always hide how I feel about it, and instead just make excuses for not going outside. I feel ashamed and that there is something wrong with me, but I’m teaching myself not to. I guess this blog is part of it, because I’m opening up about how I feel, and accepting it.
Not everyone lives life the same, and that’s ok.
